After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
