When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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