Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
