Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
