My room smells like vodka and shame
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
