I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
there is glitter all over my balls
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
