I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
