I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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