I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Randomize
