something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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