Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish you could order shots online.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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