that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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