if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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