im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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