Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
