you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
