I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
