i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
