I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize