my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
