It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
