hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
