Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
