I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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