yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
