bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
