Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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