if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize