You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
