I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
