Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
