His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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