she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
