I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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