Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
