Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
