Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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