I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
