my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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