i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
