why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
