Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
