3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
