You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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