just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
