I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
