Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize