I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
