After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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