ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
