Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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