I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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