Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
