I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
